My Blog

Taj Mahal

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 23:41:19 -0600

I went for a whirlwind drive through Montana and Wyoming the last few days. I was awestruck over and over. It felt like I was somehow “taken” on the trip. I was led from place to place, I didn’t really plan a lot. The mountains were really etheric, the snow in Yellowstone sparkled. The lone wolf captured my spirit.

mistake

Mon, 1 Feb 2010 00:52:05 -0600

I’m regretting my decision to move here. I feel I came here to be a part of something I don’t wish to be a part of. I guess I was overwhelmed and felt I couldn’t make my own decision, Now I realize I was relying on family members who had intended it was my duty to care for them in their old age. Why am I the one? I was with them the most, but in many ways I feel manipulated with guilt. What the fuck is going on? They had me so I owe them. It’s bringing up a lot. A lot of negativity is rising. I’m blaming myself and getting depressed the longer I stay. I feel like leaving. I’m considering teaching, or buying real estate in Chicago or maybe New Zealand. They need Montessori teachers. Why am I my parents keeper. Why am I in debt? Why can’t I escape from being their essence. I was free before now I tied (like the calf’s at the rodeo).

Parrot

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 22:32:33 -0600

I saw a lady yelling and swearing loudly as she walked by herself down the street this morning as I left the thrift store. I was struck by her because she was yelling “I hate Rapid City and they are all liars and “”f this place, etc. I stopped to connect with her and ask if she was alright and then it hit me that I knew her and she attends meetings I attend. I feel she was a parrot relaying to me my own thoughts (although at that moment, I was fine). It reminded me of the “crazy” woman who talked to herself on her commute to work whom Eckhart Tolle followed as decribed in “A New Earth. He said internally his mind was as disturbed. I took notice. My other friend offered me a cockatiel ( in the parrot family).

Suffering

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 00:51:43 -0600

I’m really tired of all the needless suffering. I feel my minds spinning a web around me to keep me unconscious. It’s like I’m two people a Jekyl and Hyde emotionally. I can’t shake it, it seems to have a life of it’s own and I’m possessed emotionally through compulsive thinking. Is this tortured artist syndrum? I guess if I focused more on the present, my breath, I wouldn’t lose my self everyday. I feel like I get lost and off track.
I keep running into parrots (symbolically speaking). I asked a shaman friend what it meant, and she said they mimic, it’s like the voice in the head.

Tough love

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:41:30 -0600

I’m learning more about myself being close to family again. I made a comment saying to my mother that she was born to be a mom. She’s so good at care taking, in her own way, that is who she is- to a point. Of course that is a double edge sword and at worst is controlling. I told her she should be a foster parent, (they are always advertising needing them in SD) she said they wouldn’t like her tough love. Now I’ve been thinking more about that. Love has been tough, maybe that’s my life lesson? Maybe tough love is a good teacher? Maybe thats what I came to learn?
Love is puzzling to me. I don’t get it.

seeker

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 00:48:16 -0600

I am frustrated. All avenues have collapsed, is this the now? I turn things around over and over in my mind and all I get is deeper into a hole. I know what I should know, but I can’t do it. I can’t surrender my life. I have nothing to surrender but my deepening gap of not knowing and resistance. I’m the wolf in sheeps clothing and I am scared of myself.

Cowgirl

Sat, 9 Jan 2010 00:43:24 -0600

I enjoyed my life today. I showed my new western inspired pieces to a
shop in Hill City an it was all well received. I have been doing an inner body meditation to plant seeds of Presence. My mind was unhinged
the past couple days, but now I feel better. Whenever the compulsive thinking starts to rev up I notice I suffer. I feel invigorated as an artist and I
am feeling glad. It’s fun to start over now that I have. I admit the weather freaks me out, but when the sun shines I bask happily. I met a Lakota Native today. We spoke of sacred sundances and Bear Butte. His name was ReleasingAgainst (I think).

Julie & Julia

Fri, 8 Jan 2010 02:40:40 -0600

Saw the movie about the writer who decided to blog about her year cooking every recipe in Julia Child’s cookbook. It seemed to give her a purpose bigger than herself. Even Julia Child had a great passion later in life. I guess I could spend one year here in South Dakota embracing it as an artistic project. I’ve been creating pieces already inspired by the Black Hills, Mt. Rushmore, cowboys, wedding expo. I’m working on Western
inspired pieces with cowgirls and rodeo themes. I guess this place does have many aspects and cultures to explore and I guess I could blog about
my year as well. It’s also been a spiritual quest as well. I’ve got a lot on my plate. I’m here.

Get me outa here

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 01:25:29 -0600

Says it all. Wow I feel blindsided. I really wanted to come here and transform all my family relationships, but that is proving harder than I imagined. I get these ideas in my head about wanting to be a better person to make up for something. What a belief. No wonder I’m here.
Now I want to escape and abandon that idea altogether. Healing the family feels like me coming in and soaking up the slop after someone puked all over the dinner table. Imagine me healing anything or anyone outside of myself. What a delusion.

Why am i here?

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 21:18:59 -0600

I feel bewildered mostly. I meet people who I have things in common with, but I don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns here. Tired of learning new things to believe. Tired of concepts, beliefs and feeling wrong for not agreeing. I’m taking a stand for my self. It is good to know what I know even if they disagree or seem more exciting. Anothers path isn’t mine. I am calm now.